After having my son earlier this year. I suffered a bout of Post Natal Depression. I didn't recognize my self anymore, I felt out of control and sad. Not the baby blues type of sad, but the kind of sad where I wouldn't find anything funny, and I would just cry for no reason at all. I didn't want to be hugged I didn't want to be loved. I thought I was doing a bad job at being a mummy if Dj cried. I thought he didn't love me. I wouldn't let anyone else even take him from me. I had to be there in case they burped him wrong, I wouldn't even let my partner just be with him on his own. I was becoming frazzled, sleep deprived and just narky. DJ was picking up on my emotions and was getting upset by it. Thats when I knew I had to do something.
I spoke to the DR and she said to me that its so common to get this kind of PND after having a baby as your hormones go CRAZY and sometimes the serotonin level in our brains just don't come back up again after the birth. Now you can go on medication to bring them back up again, if its really bad then sometimes the only way to feel normal again is to go the medication, and there is no shame in that. For me, I felt like I just needed to find my Zen, to do a little soul searching and to above all trust. I researched medical journals and read phycology reports. One book I read said "When you have a baby its like your heart is walking outside of your body" I felt totally out of control because I had never experienced such love. With that love, becomes responsibility and guilt. So my answer to how I felt was I needed to let go a little. To let daddy take some of the responsibility and let them build up their own bond. To let him give a bottle at night, so I could get some sleep, and to trust that my baby would be ok. Also to get an hour a day of you time, Not having to think about the baby, for just one hour in a day.To hand over responsibility to someone else. Go have a bath with candles and bubble bath. go for a walk, go to the gym, go for drink with a friend and not talk about the baby or just to read a good book.If your like me and your baby wont take naps without being in your arms, and wont go down at night, then that hour will really refresh your mind. I want to be in good form for my baby. To help stimulate him and not just to sit on the sofa watching tv with him, because I am too tired and too drained to do anything else with him. Its been a month since I have been taking an hour to my self a day and I feel 100% better for it.
Finding inner peace and being at peace with your self is where it really begins. A happy home, setting good examples and to be there 110% for my baby. I want to be a happy mummy, not a grumpy mummy. And a happy mummy means a happy baby.
There are of course days where I feel down and out of control but thats when I take a deep breath in remember my inner Zen. I go for a walk and think of all the wonderful things and how very lucky I am.