When people told me "Your whole life is going to change once the baby gets here" I didn't really know what they meant.
I knew that there were going to be sleepless nights, endless feeds, nappy changes, and responsibility of having to look after another human being.
What I wasn't prepared for was how I would change. I am not talking about the change in my body, I am talking about the fact that I am no longer the person I was. Who am I? I no longer want to do the things I used to do, I no longer can do the things I do want to do, SO what do I do now?
I was talking to my wonderful friend Ellie today, she also said she felt the same after she had her daughter, and that you have to let go of the old you and embrace the new you. It just needs a little bit of a re shuffle.
It made me realize that I have been holding on to the old me, and getting frustrated. I was actually getting quite down about it. I used to be on the go all the time, had a million balls in the air all at once, now I have one ball in the air, my son I am to tired to hold anymore.
I think as soon as we become mothers, and the nurse hands us our babies, they also slip a big package labeled "Guilt" in to our bags. DId you ever think you would feel so much guilt? I felt guilty even having a bath in the early days. Even though I knew DJ was being looked after by a friend of by his daddy. Is it this guilt that stops us wanting to go back to work? to do the things we used to do , and enjoyed doing?
I've really had to peal back the layers to find out who I am now. The new me. To find out what I still like doing and to make my self do them.
I feel lost sometimes, ground hog day everyday. But its not the same every day really. I think we all get bogged down with housework , trying to be all things to all people. Its only when I take Dj out side for a walk, or sit down in the grass with him that I realize how quickly he is growing up and everyday he is learning something new. Part of me wants to pause this moment in time, to take it all in.
I have slowly been dipping my toes in to different work projects. I went for a meeting last week, where the producer actually looked at me like a person. A real person. Not a mummy. It felt good to be out and to be using that part of my brain which had been on sleep mode. However I was soon racing back to my son, with the feeling of guilt that I had left him for too long. An hour and a half to be exact.
Being a mother is about finding balance. Something I am yet to find, But I am working on it. Everyday I try an achieve something for me. I am not going to give up on my career, especially since I worked so hard to get here. I just need to re shuffle a few things, and create a balance between motherhood, lover, partner, and career girl.
When I find out how to get that balance, Ill let you know.
Thursday, July 29
When ever I am reading a magazine and I see a Micheal Kors add, something happens to me. I sit a little taller go grab a brush and brush my hair and but some lip gloss on. His adds are so glamourous, I actually want to be the tall tanned girl in them.
I actually do like his clothes. If you get in to Macys or in to a department store during a sale you may be able to pick up some of his pieces quite reasonably. Ever girl should have a piece from his collection just so when you have a bad day, you can throw it on and it instantly makes you feel better.
Monday, July 19
We are just home from a long weekend away in Northern Ireland. For this lovely little 3 day adventure we took 1 suitcase, 2 medium size bags, One rather large Nappy (diaper) Bag, 1 buggy, papoose,3 plastic bags filled with bottles, yoghurts, baby porridge fruit and water and finally 3 stuffed toys. From the look of us you would think we were leaving the country for good. This to me was traveling light. There really is so much to take for a baby.
SO long are the days where you can just up n go. We hadn't even got to the end of our road and I had forgotten something. The check list was about 2 pages long. We were only going for 3 days and I am pretty sure up north they have super markets. So why the need to bring so much stuff?? Well I have no idea to be honest.
All I know is that I have this urge to write lists, to be prepared for every eventuality. I know we aren't going to get stuck in a snow storm in the middle of the summer, but what if we are? I know they do have super markets with baby milk and nappies but what if they don't! I think its a mum thing. I know its a me thing.
I used to be able to just go didn't think about anything, if I forgot something, I could buy it. It didn't matter, but now having a baby I have to have everything packed and ready to go. So I just about packed everything bar the kitchen sink. Probably would have taken that too if it wasn't plumbed in.
The car journey wasn't too bad, Dj just slept and we stopped the odd time to feed/ change him. ONce we got out of the car and reached our destination he was like a jack in the box. All that traveling had made him restless and somewhere along the way he had picked up some testosterone. He was banging things, flinging his arms around, getting a little aggressive and trying to eat my finger!
We had a wonderful few days away but as for relaxing it wasn't. Not being in our own home made Dj very clingy and I had no where to put him. We were staying in a relatives beach house and it wasn't very baby friendly. So I had to carry him everywhere with me. He has just turned 5 months and we are now in the stage of not wanting to be with anyone but mummy or daddy. The nights were just terrible. He was awake every hour. Now I know that we were in a new place and everything was different so we had him in our bed with us. It was a very large bed! He didn't sleep at all. THought this was great fun and was giggling and and chatting all night. 2nd night I went to a different room to try and sleep and my 2 boys slept down stairs. Of course it was a gale force wind that night and my room was right on the sea. I thought the windows were going to smash and the double doors were going to bust open. 3 am I crept down stairs like a little girl and swapped places with my man. So I was stuck on a rather uncomfortable bed, with a baby who no matter how big the bed was or how far away he was from me he managed to find away to be stuck right under my arm pit!. Brave little boy!
Morning couldn't come fast enough. enough was enough. Two nights of no sleep and we were exhausted. We cut our little trip short to come back home. I never thought Id see the day where I wanted to come home. We made our apologies and excused our selves. Packed up the jeep and made our way home.
Dj is now fast asleep in his bed and I am going to follow shortly.
I think for now this jet setting mummy is going to leave her bags where they are for a little longer, until Dj is at least 6 months old ;-)
Next trip London town...
but for now a place called the land of nod..
Saturday, July 10
Friday, July 9
A picture I did for the national breast cancer awareness.
A friend of mines sister has just been diagnosed with cancer, she is 33 years old.
She has a 21 month old son and cancer was the last thing on her mind. We all know someone who knows someone who has Breast cancer, but they are usually over 45. I was really shocked when I heard the news a few days ago. You don't expect a young fit healthy mother to get cancer. She had breast fed her baby, which they say decreases the chances of getting breast cancer.
She was feeling well, and really enjoying being a mother. It wasn't until her son bashed in to her breast accidently that she felt a tiny tiny lump. Now as most mother who breast feed know, our breast are always a bit lumpy due to the milk ducts. She put it down to the fact that it was probably just a milk duct that hadn't gone down. A few days later it was still quite sore so she got it checked out. Thats when they found the cancer.
Luckily she found it early on, and is know the process of chemotherapy. Its going to be a long haul, but she is on the mend. SHe also has a fabulous wig that looks better than real hair.
Please please please check your self monthly, as our breast change every month. If you find anything unusual, get it checked.
You can never be too careful or too young.