Friday, July 30

Who am I?

When people told me "Your whole life is going to change once the baby gets here" I didn't really know what they meant.
I knew that there were going to be sleepless nights, endless feeds, nappy changes, and responsibility of having to look after another human being.
What I wasn't prepared for was how I would change. I am not talking about the change in my body, I am talking about the fact that I am no longer the person I was. Who am I? I no longer want to do the things I used to do, I no longer can do the things I do want to do, SO what do I do now?
I was talking to my wonderful friend Ellie today, she also said she felt the same after she had her daughter, and that you have to let go of the old you and embrace the new you. It just needs a little bit of a re shuffle.
It made me realize that I have been holding on to the old me, and getting frustrated. I was actually getting quite down about it. I used to be on the go all the time, had a million balls in the air all at once, now I have one ball in the air, my son I am to tired to hold anymore.

I think as soon as we become mothers, and the nurse hands us our babies, they also slip a big package labeled "Guilt" in to our bags. DId you ever think you would feel so much guilt? I felt guilty even having a bath in the early days. Even though I knew DJ was being looked after by a friend of by his daddy. Is it this guilt that stops us wanting to go back to work? to do the things we used to do , and enjoyed doing?

I've really had to peal back the layers to find out who I am now. The new me. To find out what I still like doing and to make my self do them.
I feel lost sometimes, ground hog day everyday. But its not the same every day really. I think we all get bogged down with housework , trying to be all things to all people. Its only when I take Dj out side for a walk, or sit down in the grass with him that I realize how quickly he is growing up and everyday he is learning something new. Part of me wants to pause this moment in time, to take it all in.

I have slowly been dipping my toes in to different work projects. I went for a meeting last week, where the producer actually looked at me like a person. A real person. Not a mummy. It felt good to be out and to be using that part of my brain which had been on sleep mode. However I was soon racing back to my son, with the feeling of guilt that I had left him for too long. An hour and a half to be exact.
Being a mother is about finding balance. Something I am yet to find, But I am working on it. Everyday I try an achieve something for me. I am not going to give up on my career, especially since I worked so hard to get here. I just need to re shuffle a few things, and create a balance between motherhood, lover, partner, and career girl.

When I find out how to get that balance, Ill let you know.


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